These are dangerous times, my friends. The word dam that filters what I’m thinking and keeps it from actually coming out of my mouth has sprung a few leaks of late. I can’t help it — I hold stuff in until it has nowhere else to go but out, and often unexpectedly, even to me.
The fact that I’ve been binge-watching shows that often feature sarcasm, because OF COURSE I would find that amusing, probably isn’t helping.
Case in point: last week, I immediately thought of a quote from Veep after I answered a (stupid) question. The quote, by Richard Splett, assistant to Selina Meyer: “You know, I’m saying all of this out loud, and I probably shouldn’t be.”
AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION
The Powers That Be, walking in the door: “Do you have a ChapStick?”
“No,” I said. Then, without warning, “Well, no, and if I did, it would be mine, which would mean it was open and used, which would mean you couldn’t use it, so I would have to have an unopened, unused ChapStick on me. So do I have an unopened, unused ChapStick on me? Well, the answer to that would be no.”
I’d say it’d be wise if my ChapStick were made of SuperGlue, but who am I kidding? Stupid question gets a stupid answer.
I’ve just finished my taxes and am getting ready to send in my check (electronic payment incurs a fee — no, government, I won’t pay you to send you my money). Came across this gem on the voucher instructions:
IRS Payment Voucher: No checks of $100 million or more accepted. The IRS can’t accept a single check (including a cashier’s check) for amounts of $100,000,000 ($100 million) or more. If you are sending $100 million or more by check, you will need to spread the payments over two or more checks, with each check made out for an amount less than $100 million.
Though susceptible to emarketing, I still receive email from the Philadelphia outlet that hosts Broadway tours because if I ever set foot in New York City again, I’ll be the most surprised person out of anyone. In these emails, I expect to see notices of other upcoming shows. What I don’t expect is hyperbole to the point that I almost spit out my drink whilst reading the screen:
I have been reading metaphysical material since I was a teenager. I have let the zen wash over me so many times. In fact, when a deer took off the front of my brand new car — a car that had only been mine for 2 months — my first thought wasn’t my new car! It was it could have come through the windshield so I’m safe followed quickly by poor deer — I’m sorry I probably killed you.
These days, though, in spite of years of zen training, I’m a cell phone with just half a bar left. I keep recharging, but those who deplete (simply by existing?) keep ramping up their game. I try to zen more, but I’m a person, people. I. Am. Struggling. I’m also giggling like The Joker from time to time, for the ridiculousness of it all.
Some say it’s because Mercury was (is still) in retrograde (communication is more difficult and job suckitude increases… CONFIRMED). All I know is, I’m in deep shit once this stuff starts coming out my mouth if the zen doesn’t kick into an even higher gear. Deep breaths? To the point I can let out a breath that lasts about 10 minutes…