Like when people say their clothes don’t fit now because of quarantine, my blog doesn’t fit like it used to, but I’m not sure what suits me best going forward. So I’ll just wing it until it becomes clear. That’s to say that things are changing (on the blog and also IRL) and I’m not sure exactly how yet, but I don’t mind not knowing.
That, my friends, is a first.
I have not known things before, of course, but the level of comfort I’m enjoying through uncertainty is at an all-time high. Like won every level of Ms. Pac-Man and adding my initials as the best score ever high.
Life changes. We know this. My life (micro level) has been changing in a significant way for about five years (we’re always changing, yes, but my choice to change some particulars has been ongoing, off and on, for that long).
The world (macro level) has been going through some stuff, especially recently, obvs — the pandemic this year changed ways of life and thinking while American political life finally freed itself from an intrusive, destructive narcissistic public figure that even the strongest mental boundaries couldn’t protect from an endless onslaught of gaslighting and lies.
Personal. Pandemic. Political. All that change urged me to create bloggy change, too, but what DSF becomes is unknown. Ideas come and go. I play and try to figure out exactly what it is I want to say and how I want to say it.
Step 1: I chose a new template and I really like it. Whilst updating the site, I accidentally deleted a bunch of pictures that claimed not to be attached to posts but actually were. I didn’t even care, I’m so chill right now. It was fun replacing them, playing with Blocks, seeing what layouts can be used. P.S. I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but Blocks and I are in love.
Back to wherever I thought I was headed when I started, which I didn’t really know, because I just started typing, because that’s what I’m doing now and let’s just roll with it, shall we? That’s, like, sort of the point here.
Change is consistent and resistance to change is, too. Even when it’s for the best and/or something I myself choose for me and my life (Fear has the biggest mouth). Aging and experience eases the resistance to change, but the way I feel at the end of this year can’t be attributed to the simple passage of time and the wisdom that comes from living. The freedom I feel with this uncertainty comes because for years I worked at it, and the work is paying off.
I’m on a wild ride with a view that keeps changing and yet I squeal and giggle with glee with each unexpected turn. I have no idea where I’m going and that’s freeing after a lifetime of being various levels of uncomfortable with that idea. Who knows what’s around the bend and who cares. I’ll find out when I get there. The only map and/or GPS is my internal barometer: how does [whatever / whomever] make me feel, am I staying present as much as possible, and does it feel authentically me?
Since there’s no worrying or wondering or planning, etc., how does one occupy their time whilst going along to who knows where? Well, I’m organizing, tidying, purging — my sites (yes, plural), my physical stuff, my writing. Not all the time, and there are no deadlines. I work on those projects when the mood strikes, which these days is often. I also take breaks — lots of them. And I don’t feel guilty when I do — THAT sense of freedom was hard-earned and a long time coming. Doing nothing was something I often struggled with — thanks, American culture, Catholic school torture, and anxiety, for the hamster wheel training. Over the past five years, I disassembled the wheel and sold it for parts, and the hamster’s been set free.
Muse and I will discover what we want to do and be in this space. For now, let’s dance, sing, and celebrate change. Sha na na na na na na na na, Sha na na na na
**If you agree, click CLAPS below (another fun block — methinks it’s even better than the WP star).
*Hey, y’all! Please visit this post on my actual website to see what it really looks like. As I reread it on the WP Reader, it seems, on my screen, that Claps doesn’t show up in WP Reader, the one picture layout didn’t work right in WP Reader, and the pull quote block looks different in WP Reader than on my actual site. Just last night, I was writing something for a future post about why I dislike the WP Reader so much… now I have more to add to it.